#i will never reach this level ever again
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leafpin "i get to the prompts when i can" week day 1: baking
#jankiey arts#YEAH UHHH!!!#they made husband and wife cakes pleaseeee look it up the concept of it is so cute#its also originates from Vietnamese culture iirc#i will never reach this level ever again#or recover in time fjkvajknfa#but oh my god its leafpin!!!!!!!!11#also i only do greyscale because i have an irrational fear of the color wheel (insert skull emoji)
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flashbacks to that part in knk when tobi smiled for the first time and it was literally the most incredible and important thing to ever happen ever
#kiwi is eveposting...#we get so spoiled now w tobi smiling content ( we have like 3 scenes of it )#but back when this chapter came out it was SO HUGE#istg i was screaming my head off when i saw it. nothing could ever match my enthusiasm for that ever again#i could be gifted a million dollars rn and STILL never reach tobi smiling levels of excitement#i remember literally spamming my friend to read it and when they did they were also FREAKING OUT#and we were just screaming at each other that a fictional guy smiled for the first time lmao
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just going about my day idly contemplating how some of the ways hawke can interact with a romanced anders are not at all unlike how they interact with leandra (and a bit of carver too, especially with a purple hawke), and then thought about my hawke in the timeline where he romances anders and was hit straight in the face with 'was he ever actually in love, or was he just desperately trying to renegotiate with his mother's ghost in any way he could' and now i need to lie down. this is the power of dragon age 2
#'you don't know my mother' haunting me through the years#dragon age#dragon age 2#hawke#On second thought let's not go to Kirkwall; it is a silly place#there are of course as many ways to do/read that relationship as there are players to interact with it haha and all valid!#but my personal version of handers is sooo fucked up and bad times for everyone involved and I love it haha.#this is a relationship neither of them should have been in and that made everything worse and everyone unhappy in the end#locked tomb levels of the horrors of love. i ship it but in the way that I want to make it sadder and more gutwrenching each time#to be clear this is a very mutual two-way kind of fucked up but I think varric in his loyalty and love would downplay hawke's side of it#for huge swathes of their relationship anders is not in a mental place to be a good partner and the emotional blackmail is Not Okay#(but it's just like how mother used to make it! hawke's soul cries sadly as it reaches for it hungrily)#which is in some ways fair enough no one could accuse him of not warning you ahead of time fjskda#but hawke is messy about it in a way only available to a covert people pleaser who has never had a millisecond of therapy#with some added stuff that my hawke is always acespec in some form and when he gets together with anders...#is the sex something he doesn't particularly care to have or not have but it 'makes anders happy'/he longs to feel wanted *and* needed#and also a way he gets out of ever being *actually* vulnerable (which I think he'd had to be with varric for example if he Went There )#'you want the hawke who's in your head so badly and I kind of wish I were that hawke too. so let's be collaborateurs with that fantasy'#(and then maybe if I do it right every time you'll finally be happy hawke says in his heart looking at this leandra-anders phantom form)#(and echoing stuff in varric's relationship to hawke but I think the important distinction there is that varric -- is a craftsman haha#he KNOWS when he's lying/making up a story he KNOWS the difference between what is and what he wishes the world was#(I think there's some deep longing there to not know; for it to blend together or have the power to change things. but he always knows)#which ironically leaves him in a better position to actually see and understand hawke the person#even as he is creating hawke the literary figure. almost to protect him in some ways? god da2 is so full of STUFF!!! I adore it)#and of course anders gets so disillusioned with hawke's inertia and lack of action (you all but married this man anders!#you should know this about him he's already carrying the whole family and city on his shoulders if you add a gram more he'll collapse!)#and hawke feels so desperately hurt that the promise anders seemed to make that he'd be enough -- that he could fix things for him --#('I'm the one bright light in kirkwall and that apparently doesn't count for shit so I'm just slowly turning to ash for you')#turned out to be untrue. anyway. sad now. imagine them meeting like twenty years on what the fuck could you even say to each other then#(I can't imagine Hawke ever physically hurting anyone he loves so he just tells Anders to leave at the end of DA2. they COULD meet again
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good morning. thinking again of juve and her dog
#oreste garifalle save me. save me oreste garifalle (he cannot even save himself)#i just.. man its so over. by the time they encounter each other juve is the worst shes ever been & oreste doesnt yet know he could be better#so. sure. juve needs to gather the pieces of herself back up and double down on her coping mechanisms but not thinking at all about whats#happened to her/how she was affected by it and by instead fixating on someone elses problems. she needs to offer drive and direction to#another in order to feel more in control of herself#and luckily for her unluckily for himself. by the time she finds him. oreste is only Just stumbling out of a gothic pseudoincest nightmare#in which all of his own wants and desires have been very deliberately placed on a shelf higher than he can reach and hes all too eager#to accidentally replicate previous dynamics (dog) with someone new#so. tldr. juve needs to control/'fix' someone and oreste as of yet only knows how to be controlled/molded in anothers image#which would already be so bad except to top it off. juve is steadily fucking losing it. due to the repression crimes#and even as she tries to distance herself from the emotional aftermath of what she went through. it bleeds into the way she treats oreste#instead. like.#her base level dehumanization of him would already be bad but. as is. in the way it finds her.#juve completely lacks the finesse or grace or awareness to approach it as she normally would#so she instead traps them both in this horrible codependent situation where her 'fixing' oreste mostly involves her going oh! i know!#your problem is that youre not in touch with your anger right? you should be angry about what those guys did to you but youre not rigjt??#so!! easy fix!! lets just get you angry!!!#<- girl who is not entirely wrong but has also never processed any of her own anger a day in her life and Will be projecting#<- girl who will treat you both as a metaphor/extension of herself but Also as a recreation of the previous dynamic she was in with an#excessively angry individual#<- girl who decides the best way to put you in touch with your anger again is by. repeatedly triggering you until you protest#essentially bending your finger back and waiting to see which will come first. you letting it break or begging her to stop#and oreste is always too deeply traumatized and overwhelmed to do anything but let it break. so.#notnow#juve mizani#oreste garifalle#one of my favorite scenes i have planned for them is her making oreste relay what his abuser (kai) looked like. in detail.#as a skinshifter herself.#you see where this is going.#you should send me asks about them btw. if you want. also if you dont
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the bittersweet but absolute flood of relief that comes from admitting defeat at living independently, to have to move back in with parents. we tried! we gave it our best shot for almost 3 years! but living like this (being on our own) is just not possible for us at this time of our lives. we've finally proved it to ourselves that we can't do it. it'll be okay to let ourselves rest now
#latimers parents not mine!!!! i am NOT moving back to florida LOL#really hope that the changes will be good for my mental health. this apartment is toxic to us#ive been on the verge of meltdowns Kind Of A Lot lately. imnot doing great#extremely dependent on substances. just to reach a baseline level of functioning. but even that isnt working as much anymore#the only things i do on my phone or tablet these days is like. 2 mobile games. and skirting past my dms to check latimers blog#its too overwhelming to even open discord these days yknow. everything on earth is too much for me right meow#i havent been drawing i havent been social online OR irl i havent been cooking or creating#i havent been keeping up with personal hygiene like at all im particularly ashamed about that one#i've been really bad about doing my T the past few months which is a HUGE shame because im SO fucking hyped to be on it#theres just. too many obstacles in getting it done half the time. and the other half of the time i just forget#anyway. anyway.#our lease ends in july so between now and then we're just gonna try our best to tolerate our living situation enough to get by#there's a light at the end of the tunnel. and its called 'i only have to be in charge of like 2 rooms at most. and not a household!'#we're gonna try to slowly comb through all our things between now and then so the process of moving wont suck as bad#cuz listen. its pretty fucking bad right now#maybe not for other people. but it is for me. and its okay to let myself come to terms with that#im just. so relieved. still very stressed! but theres at least light at the end of the tunnel and its only like 2 months away#ill be able to draw guilt-free again. ill be able to just EXIST guilt-free#i dont think ive felt guilt-free for just existing the way i do since like. turning 20#i know my mom wouldve loved if i stayed home forever. and im sad i cant be there for her#but ever since i had a fight with my dad at 15 or 16 it just really felt like he didnt want me there more and more#maybe as the youngest he was resenting that i was preventing him from becoming an empty nester or something. i dont know#because all the other kids had been moved out and on their own at least once but i had never left home before#i dont know if he'd be heartbroken or not to hear that i feeling like he was resenting me. but thats the energy i was picking up for years#i dunno. i dont know#anyway. back to housing. for now im going to try to relax and store energy for the moving process#the huge pile of things by the kitchen? i dont have to worry about that becoming permanent because we're leaving in 2 months#the general discord of the state of our possessions? we have to go through everything to pack it all anyway. we can move in RIGHT this time#when we moved in here we didnt have a car or license so we were dependent on latimers 3-hr-drive-away parents to help us move#just /across town/. and we had a whole month between leases! but it still had to be done in a weekend
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💜// Blankets, pillows and soft stuff are some of Ophelia’s favorite things—! This is listed in her bio under her likes, but the reason WHY is partly because those are the first ever things she was ever gifted.
The first blanket is long lost, but it was given to her by Doc back in the ATLAS days. At the time, she had no idea things that soft could even exist. <- and again, number 1 reason why she now has a hoard of blankets.
#//wait until u hear about the first time she discovered what a BED was#//<- will never reach that level of euphoria ever again#//and with this. now [ I ] go to bed. nighty night#ᯓ💜˖° ophelia . about
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I do feel so sorry for Briseis. She was truley free for a moment just to get killed by a spear thrown by Achilles son
#this was so casual crule in the name of being honest....#it is a tragedy by itself in on so many level...#imagine being a young girl & then these soldiers come destorying your home & killing your father...#then they enslave you & some king wanting you as price just for a younger men stepping forward...#& then somehow you get adoped by to gay dudes who are technical the bad guys....#but they treat you well never hurt you trying to give you a good life & they help more girls & you form a weird family bond...#it feels almost like a home...#just for the prince to get offended by the old king and the king wanting you as a price & nobody stops it...#but the other gay dude makes a deal with the old king so that he dont hurt/harm you in any way....#but then the gay dude dies and you blame the other dude....& then he dies at well & then his never mentioned son comes#& wants you as a sex slave because he doesnt know his dad was gay & thinks you gave him pleasure...so when he wants to take you you escape#& you swim & swim & swim & You think you can be free & safe far away just to get hit by a spear.#A spear you knew his father was famous for...#And you die and sink to the bottom of the sea where no man can ever reach you again.#i need a moment...#the song of achilles#briseis
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*draws something for the first time in a while. “Man I suck at drawing! Maybe go back to being good at it if I draw more!”
*doesn’t draw
*doesn’t draw
*doesn’t draw
*doesn’t draw
*doesn’t draw
*doesn’t draw
*doesn’t draw
*doesn’t draw
*doesn’t draw
*doesn’t draw
“Oh I got a neat idea for a drawing! Surely I have gotten better by now!” Loop post
#this revelation brought to you by the one and only#midnight brainrot#probably could not of put these things together without the malaise of a mind awake at 3 am again despite saying that they’re ”trying to fix#their sleep schedule ~”#bah. I say things yet never do them. my brain always blocks any sort of progress with ”just one more video”#even fun and enjoyment bends the knee to this declaration#even other YouTube videos!#when I do break it I end up back where I was because like asking for literally anything my brain does so much pushback that it feels#inherently wrong on a fundamental level#I don’t think I’m depressed I like life too much and enjoy existence#is this my brain punishing me for not dying before reaching adulthood like I always thought I would? or is it punishment for not constantly#going from the end of high school to another school like I planned because my purpose in life was to learn and go to school until I die#now I am left without purpose. literally wandering my house like a ghost when no one’s home#I say the two same things to my brother when he gets home so much that he once made a joke about me being an npc#and the worse part is. it wasn’t about that dumb TikTok brainrot meme thing. no it was because I say the exact same things the exact same wa#y every time he gets home. worse more is I can think of several other ways that that statement could be more accurate that he doesn’t know a#bout#I wish to game but never do#I want to make art and such but I never do#I went to an art class for years when I was a kid for Pete’s sake!#my parents complain about my hair being too long and I agree but I still want it long I just always kept it short because of simple ma#maintenance. the only reason I ever grew it out was to keep warm I. the winter!#I spent my childhood with self imposed utilitarianism for no reason#no reason to expand my horizons and explore myself because I thought of myself as a lesser being that was fated to die randomly before#I could reproduce.#oh my goodness the reproduction thing! I thought I was straight for the longest time because I had to be#because the purpose of a person is to reproduce. yet I was all like”I can’t reproduce as I am autistic and would taint my offspring. I am a#genetic dead end and deserve to have the effect of natural selection take place”#through tv show mimicry and being a utilitarian little git I forced myself to be straight for years#and the worse part is I KNEW GAY PEOPLE EXISTED AND I ENVYED THEM FOR NOT HAVING TO REPRODUCE OH MY GOD IS THIS WHAT KARKAT FELT LIKE? NO I
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THEYRE BESTIES!!!!!!!!
#i honestly like it better when the top 3 picks are friends <3#or can at least reach that level sometimes#cade and jalen are sad to me 😭#and jaba is always brutally something with anyone. sometimes when hes happy you think youre the best besties in the world#and then in that same day u can think he never wants to speak to you ever again#and then immediately after youre his bestie again#paolo 😭 good luck#alpey has to bear the brunt of jabas brutality for now tho#alpey and jabas lives are cursed to be an eternal shifting between :] vs >:( and :[ vs <:)#scoot has never had grillz b4 or smthing lmao#unbothered king wemby#im so glad theyre besties#scoot sees anyone taller than him and immediately turns into the annoying little man he was grown to be#hes blessed to have that opportunity to show his true form with wemby#i hope they continue to be besties!!!!#i love scoots suit but ive also seen way too much bird poop that i have trauma now#from afar it kind of looks like a bird had an accident on his shoulder 😭#im the only pigeon appreciator along with some nice elderly folk i like to check up on so im#just consumed in the feathery lifestyle#sorry scoot :(#scoot scoot#webby#i love calling him webby im sorry wemby
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i was like wtf?? about apparently not posting anything on dA in 2022, bc ik I definitely drew during that time-- and then I remembered the business decision they made that made the site take a huge plunge in the first place and how I stored all my art and how im going through the trouble at this very moment to unstore it all one by one and glazing each and every picture now bc of their dumbass dipshit ass choice.
#oh so thaaats why i didnt post ohhh...#ppl think eclipse killed dA- but no. it could have still be salvaged. 8eye killed dA.#or at least made it so its very unlikely to reach anywhere near its original popularity ever again#eclipse was the coffin. enefftees lowered it into the grave. 8eye was the final nail in the coffin.#now lets see if dA can preform a miracle and self-revive- its gonna hafta start by getting rid of 8eye and enefftees- and until then they#will NEVER reach the same levels of popularity.
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i wanna vent about my distaste for myself and all the stupid things i do until i remember that's exactly why my friend called me manipulative
#batdiary#VENT IN TAGS#tw for manipulation and the whole shebang#i want sympathy and to be comforted but when i try to gain that it's stupidly over the top “oh im so terrible”#and i truly think all those stupid things i say about me#but they all come off as idiotic pity parties...#and i wanna just... let it out and say something but i just. it reaches the very tip of my fingers before i realize#im not gonna get what i want from saying that#its silly! it's idiotically silly/neg how i imagine all these things i want like love and care#but i just dont have them to the level i want them to be#<- and even that right there in manipulation!#ugh.... maybe its just self-pity and that just unintentionally manipulates people into garnering sympathy for me...#which is stupid and i never want to get close to anyone ever again
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🌙
#lmao i keep being like 'ugh literally why am i so miserable all the time ' and it's not weird that im feeling this way#like i had smth that i just stumbled upon and never even thought could be real for me#that made me so happy and made me feel excited for another day and it made me so giddy and like#gave me sm lust for life etc etc#but then i suddenly lost that thing again and now im just constantly sad#bc that thing was better than anything i had ever hoped or dreamed for#it caught me by surprise too bc i would've never expected it and suddenly it was just real????#now it's like a distant memory and an out of reach dream#yet it is like actually all i want in life.... which sounds so insane tbh#but it really is... some things just work. some things just resonate with u on a deep level#and this was smth that just completely could reach inside me and make me feel smth#it's not smth that is completely reliant on me. which means i cant control it or keep it in my life simply bc i want it#it's also not smth i can recreate in anyway in any other circumstance#i can feel the absence of it so sharply every single day and it consumes my mind#no matter how much i try to accept it or whatever i cling onto it bc i dont want to#i never knew i could have smth like this in my life and now when i was allowed a taste for it i dont wanna be without it#:((( so yeah#it's not actually weird at all that im this down and miserable lmao#im mourning the loss of smth that was beyond my dreams even..... sighhh
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greatest torture of watching fifteen episodes early is i cant think about Even here. (if i let them survive that long anyway lmao.) because even’s interactions with the doctor are way too dependent in my brain on what came before, every way they react (badly) to twelve is in response to their friendship with ten (and their not-friendship with the master but that’s a whole other component.) and the point here is: I don’t know what Even would do with fifteen because i have no idea what emotional turmoil they and thirteen put each other through.
#although i have a feeling that. miss im emotionally avoidant and don’t want to talk about my past or feelings ever or ill die. is not going#to have the smoothest of friendships with mx i have known you for more years of my life than i haven’t even if you weren’t there for all of#them and my abandonment issues have reached a critical level because of this (and other factors).#idk i feel like a *very normal* conversation even would have with thirteen is to say that if she tries to leave them behind in any way again#they’re going to hide inside her tardis’s guts where she’ll never find them again and not come back out and die in her walls.#and then thirteen would. not want to have this conversation actually.#dw oc
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.
#why are ppl acting like 1989 is underrated in this fandom#like it was a super successful album#to be honest I thought she wasn't gonna reach that level of success ever again#she was everywhere#everybody knew about this album and everybody loved it#like you had to be there#it was crazy#you can't be like 'I loved it before taylor's version blablabla'#because everybody did#😅#i know most of the posts I see on my dash are jokes or something#but honestly this album has never been underrated#it is literally her magnum opus
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when the weed starts tasting like the realization that I'm still deeply lonely and I'll never be loved how I need and it's selfish of me to even want it
#I'm kind of such a pathetic person jesus christ#maybe I'm in love with him. maybe I'm just deeply lonely#either way jesus christttt grow up get over it oh my god#kind of is it abnormal to feel like I've slept through the past multiple months of my life#and wake up realizing there's a hole in my chest that can never be filled and a crack in my head that can never be mended#hole in chest = deep wrenching desire for connection. crack in head = inability to keep up with my daily life#god I'm so whiny literally get over it is it ever that serious. oh elliott. is it ever really that bad.#thinking abt that time I thought that if I drank enough I could be uninhibited enough to ask for physical affection#and then spent 3 hrs throwing up. erm. not my proudest moment#kind of need to get so fucked up I get taken care of again. kind of need to be cradled in someone's arms#<- most annoying person on the planet oh my god. I hate u ppl who yearn online literally grow uppp u sound pathetic#need someone to study me. need someone to know me inside and out. need someone to be interested in hearing every thought I've ever had#need to be treated like god's specialest little princess. need to be someone's hyperfixation.#okay I've reached self-parody levels. it's bedtime#narcissus's echoes#vent
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#hetalia#aph hetalia#hws#Aph#Italy#feliciano vargas#Yeah so i had a great idea#My gf loves horses#And has this horse#And it was such a huge brain moment for me#Because he was gonna stand next to it#Then i thought “hmmm”#And i will never reach this level of genius ever again in my life
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